So, it's taken me over half a year but I'm here. I'm still very much alive and running around like a mad person. Looking back at last year and the struggles we went through, I am actually surprised it's all worked out so well.
Never ending court battles, not being able to spend a penny as we were saving everything to buy a house, both of us suffering with severe depression, on going struggles with work-life balance, dealing with entitled, inconsiderate and toxic people in our lives, plus the rest of the battles have definitely tired us out but also made us so much stronger as a team, as a family.
Now that we have a house, we have new battles and new troubles but this is all ours. We can decide what and when and how. We have a lovely puppy, who is a kind of a pain in the backside sometimes, but a lovable kind. We have one almost finished room, and a whole lot of projects and ideas, but nothing actually finished. And we both have long days at work/school. I was doing 7 days a week for May-July, now having a little break and then going back to 7 days a week from Sept.
We've learnt a few lessons and a few more, we've grown and reevaluated our values, we've been called middle class wankers, we've accepted a few defeats and celebrated so many victories.
It's been a difficult journey and will continue to be one, but we can do it.
Saturday, August 18, 2018
Saturday, October 28, 2017
How was your day?
Exhausting, but you asked so better get comfy - it's going to be long!
Up before 6, out the door before 7. Got to work by 8 and the whole circus started.
Ask the toddler to brush her teeth, negotiate with her for 5 minutes, receive countless cuddles from the happy baby, ask the toddler to brush her teeth, start making breakfast, check on toddler, continue making breakfast, check on toddler, tell toddler off for brushing the tap rather than her teeth, try to keep the impatient baby happy, get the baby's top changed, discover she needs a clean nappy, try to locate a clean nappy, try to locate the wipes, change nappy, try to figure out where the toddler has gone, console the baby, find the toddler, catch the baby who's ran off, put baby's pants on, console the jealous toddler, remember you were making breakfast but leave it, pack snacks, console the baby, prep milk for both, console the toddler, smell breakfast burning, eat breakfast, dance like a looney holding a banana cake in one hand and apple juice in the other, discover you've done all of it whilst singing 'She'll be coming round the mountain', ask the toddler to eat her breakfast, try to get the baby to drink water, ask the toddler to eat her breakfast, collect bits of banana cake from the floor, ask the toddler to eat her breakfast, ask the baby to sit back down, ask the toddler to get her toes off the table, give the baby more cake, give the toddler more cake, ask the toddler to get off the table, wipe the baby's hands and face and clothes and take her down from the high chair, pass the baby her water bottle so she can throw it on the floor and scream at you like it was your fault, hear the toddler say she's finished, tell the toddler there's nothing more to eat till snack time which is 2 hours away, ask the toddler to wash her hands, catch the baby who's ran off, tell the toddler to have a wee before going, find the buggy, organise the nappy bag, ask the toddler to put her shoes on, put baby's shoes on, ask the toddler to put her shoes on, put the baby's jacket on, ask the toddler to put her shoes on, strap the baby in the buggy, discover the toddler has managed to wreck half of the entrance hall, put on wrong shoes and is applying mummy's lipstick, ask the toddler to put on the right shoes, give the baby a toy, help toddler with shoes, give the baby the toy back, ask the toddler to put her jacket on, hand the same toy back to the baby, help the toddler to zip up, hand the same toy back to the baby, ask the toddler to sit in the buggy, get out the door, discover you've left your coffee, and the nappy bag, go back inside twice to retrieve said things, forget your coffee, get to the car that's parked a little walk away, open the car, realise you have the wrong buggy, unstrap the baby and put her in the car, realise you need to change the booster seat, dig the right seat out of the boot, install the seat, put the toddler in the car, put the bag and little bits from the buggy in the car, pack the buggy, confirm your worst fears that it does not fit in the boot, get it fit in the boot regardless, answer all the toddlers 'Why's?' about the booster seat and the buggy, start the car, dig out your phone for directions, console the baby who's now sleepy but doesn't want to sleep, start moving, enjoy the 20 minutes of silence as both have a mini snooze, curse the silly drivers.
Now, all of this fitted nicely into an hour and 10 minutes, leaving out more cuddles, some upset crying because the cakes were too hot/cup was the wrong size, the constant negotiating and chasing both the baby and the toddler to get them to do what needed to be done instead of running around playing tag what seems to be their favourite activity at the moment. In this time I also managed to have a solid chat with the dad who did a fabulous handover and kept on thanking me for giving him a chance to catch a few extra minutes of sleep. We also fitted in the most interesting conversations with the toddler and a dancing session with the baby.
I'll let you take a little break, to let you digest the morning commotion and will continue in a bit, to tell you what happened before lunch time.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Here I am, once again ...
... with a glass of wine, enjoying the last minutes before bedtime. Thinking back to the last few posts and almost three years.
I've seen days where I wasn't able to sit up, never mind standing or walking. I've begged my surgeon, fought my bosses, begged my teachers, fought myself. I used to say I don't remember the pain. But when one step makes you cry your eyes out you can not say it anymore. You do remember. Almost three years ago they took last bits of the ligatures out. They said it'll take time to fully recover. And even though I didn't believe it would be possible - here I am. Facing whole new challenges health wise but I can walk, without constant pain! And run, and jump, and cycle(not for too long). Makes you think, makes you appreciate the 'small things' a bit more.
I've seen days where I had no idea if I had anywhere to sleep at the end of the day. With £40 in my pocket, the only thing left to do was to hope for a miracle. And again - here I am. Two and a half years ago I got a job offer, with immediate start, boarding included. This meant packing my bags and moving 100 miles to the west but hey - what's the worst that can happen?
Now, who's heard the story would say I should've passed the offer. Because they showed me what emotional abuse and neglect mean. I saw 80+ hour work weeks with them, plenty of times woke up to children crying and adults banging doors and shouting profanities, the lack of respect to anybody in that house was unbelievable.
But all of you know this move made one thing possible. Meeting my taller (and older) half*. The beginning of the story is already a crazy one, and now for over two years we've seen things most people can't even imagine. But here we are! Happy as anything, knowing we have each other and when times get difficult again we'll get through this. (We have to, adulting can't be switched off permanently -.- ) Maybe try to bite each other's heads off here and there and stress about trivia more than reasonable, but we'll manage just fine.
So here I am, once again, having a few bits of positivity in the middle of the crazy stressful time, trying to take a second to appreciate the little things around me.
*I love you, monkey! To Pluto and back :)
I've seen days where I wasn't able to sit up, never mind standing or walking. I've begged my surgeon, fought my bosses, begged my teachers, fought myself. I used to say I don't remember the pain. But when one step makes you cry your eyes out you can not say it anymore. You do remember. Almost three years ago they took last bits of the ligatures out. They said it'll take time to fully recover. And even though I didn't believe it would be possible - here I am. Facing whole new challenges health wise but I can walk, without constant pain! And run, and jump, and cycle(not for too long). Makes you think, makes you appreciate the 'small things' a bit more.
I've seen days where I had no idea if I had anywhere to sleep at the end of the day. With £40 in my pocket, the only thing left to do was to hope for a miracle. And again - here I am. Two and a half years ago I got a job offer, with immediate start, boarding included. This meant packing my bags and moving 100 miles to the west but hey - what's the worst that can happen?
Now, who's heard the story would say I should've passed the offer. Because they showed me what emotional abuse and neglect mean. I saw 80+ hour work weeks with them, plenty of times woke up to children crying and adults banging doors and shouting profanities, the lack of respect to anybody in that house was unbelievable.
But all of you know this move made one thing possible. Meeting my taller (and older) half*. The beginning of the story is already a crazy one, and now for over two years we've seen things most people can't even imagine. But here we are! Happy as anything, knowing we have each other and when times get difficult again we'll get through this. (We have to, adulting can't be switched off permanently -.- ) Maybe try to bite each other's heads off here and there and stress about trivia more than reasonable, but we'll manage just fine.
So here I am, once again, having a few bits of positivity in the middle of the crazy stressful time, trying to take a second to appreciate the little things around me.
*I love you, monkey! To Pluto and back :)
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Love is just a camouflage ...
... for what resembles rage again
2016.
Overall a very negative year. From the very first month of the year. We were thrown into a mess that was not ours and not ours to sort out. Trying to be the nice guys all of this can be fairly tricky. With tiny and not so tiny victories the negatives that got thrown at us were still at least two times greater. But we got through most of it, almost remained friendly for the majority of time and left no bodies behind. I'm yet to figure out how we managed to cope with the utterly killing stress, though.
Now, jump to this year - times are getting slightly better - less stress, shorter working hours, better opportunities ... And over what seems to have been a billion years, I finally manage to get things done. Plenty of the little bits still need to be sorted but it's not anything tragic anymore if I end up postponing a few things here and there.
Some of you know I wasn't able to concentrate enough to sit and watch a film or just didn't find anything interesting enough to watch. Same with listening to music. I did listen to the old playlists on longer journeys but in all fairness I would've been just fine with the background noise. All of this is getting better again, I can even happily read a book without getting distracted on every page.
Most of you know we've now moved and I could say almost settled in. Now, not to forget that's we're masters at winging everything, we should be just fine for now. With new jobs and a new start, we can push forward to achieve all the goals in the world.
You can only ever be as awesome as you say you are.
2016.
Overall a very negative year. From the very first month of the year. We were thrown into a mess that was not ours and not ours to sort out. Trying to be the nice guys all of this can be fairly tricky. With tiny and not so tiny victories the negatives that got thrown at us were still at least two times greater. But we got through most of it, almost remained friendly for the majority of time and left no bodies behind. I'm yet to figure out how we managed to cope with the utterly killing stress, though.
Now, jump to this year - times are getting slightly better - less stress, shorter working hours, better opportunities ... And over what seems to have been a billion years, I finally manage to get things done. Plenty of the little bits still need to be sorted but it's not anything tragic anymore if I end up postponing a few things here and there.
Some of you know I wasn't able to concentrate enough to sit and watch a film or just didn't find anything interesting enough to watch. Same with listening to music. I did listen to the old playlists on longer journeys but in all fairness I would've been just fine with the background noise. All of this is getting better again, I can even happily read a book without getting distracted on every page.
Most of you know we've now moved and I could say almost settled in. Now, not to forget that's we're masters at winging everything, we should be just fine for now. With new jobs and a new start, we can push forward to achieve all the goals in the world.
You can only ever be as awesome as you say you are.
Friday, December 16, 2016
When things get rocky ...
... and not just a tiny bit. More like the Alps kind of rocky.
I have been quiet, not because I haven't had anything to say but because I don't have the time or mood for it. Writing has been on a back burner for a while now and this doesn't look like changing any time soon. Unless I do end up on quieter few months.
Some of you know, some of you don't - it's been a crazy roller coaster over the past half a year with events I'd rather see in a film not in my own -very- real life. This year hasn't been the kindest and it sure looks like next year is going to follow a similar path, the rocky one. But who knows. Maybe it's all going to miraculously change. Which would be greatly appreciated and cherished if it's coming in a recognisable form. Until then we're slowly pushing our way through.
(Which, by the way, is a lot harder if you're trying to be a nice, decent human being! But this bitter statement is for a longer whinge.)
Eat too much, drink too much and laugh a little bit more than too much - make the Christmas magic work! It is worth all the effort you put in as you never know what life has in store for you.
Have a lovely Christmas, you crazy lot!
I have been quiet, not because I haven't had anything to say but because I don't have the time or mood for it. Writing has been on a back burner for a while now and this doesn't look like changing any time soon. Unless I do end up on quieter few months.
Some of you know, some of you don't - it's been a crazy roller coaster over the past half a year with events I'd rather see in a film not in my own -very- real life. This year hasn't been the kindest and it sure looks like next year is going to follow a similar path, the rocky one. But who knows. Maybe it's all going to miraculously change. Which would be greatly appreciated and cherished if it's coming in a recognisable form. Until then we're slowly pushing our way through.
(Which, by the way, is a lot harder if you're trying to be a nice, decent human being! But this bitter statement is for a longer whinge.)
Eat too much, drink too much and laugh a little bit more than too much - make the Christmas magic work! It is worth all the effort you put in as you never know what life has in store for you.
Have a lovely Christmas, you crazy lot!
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Happy!
New month, new family. And I love them!
I love the energy, the things I've finished already and a few things I still have to finish. And even though there seem to be new things popping up every now and then, the list is getting shorter every day. All the new challenges. I'm trying to learn Russian, so I could actually speak. I'm also learning German. Again. Should try to warm up those Finnish skills too, specially because I've been a horrible friend and been so quiet for so long.
It was our very first anniversary on the 1st. It's funny how people ask me how are we still the same like a year ago and yet sound like we've been together for at least ten years. How we have everything figured out but still look so 'fresh and happy'.
Well, guess what! We are! Happy I mean. And we don't really have everything figured out. We're just super awesome at winging everything. I swear we'd win a talent show with that!
Because we're the same level of weirdos.
And my tired pup is snoring upstairs.
I should get his breakfast ready.
I love the energy, the things I've finished already and a few things I still have to finish. And even though there seem to be new things popping up every now and then, the list is getting shorter every day. All the new challenges. I'm trying to learn Russian, so I could actually speak. I'm also learning German. Again. Should try to warm up those Finnish skills too, specially because I've been a horrible friend and been so quiet for so long.
It was our very first anniversary on the 1st. It's funny how people ask me how are we still the same like a year ago and yet sound like we've been together for at least ten years. How we have everything figured out but still look so 'fresh and happy'.
Well, guess what! We are! Happy I mean. And we don't really have everything figured out. We're just super awesome at winging everything. I swear we'd win a talent show with that!
Because we're the same level of weirdos.
And my tired pup is snoring upstairs.
I should get his breakfast ready.
Friday, January 22, 2016
Trivia
Nothing relevant. Not today. It's all Gossip Girl, food and chocolate. And all girly things that is so not me but it's so me. It doesn't have to make sense.
Or you can just drink yourself to oblivion and wait until everything passes.
Because it's all you can do ...
Even Prince Charming can fall off the horse.
So fairytale...
Or you can just drink yourself to oblivion and wait until everything passes.
Because it's all you can do ...
Even Prince Charming can fall off the horse.
So fairytale...
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
The dead can wait
I have to say this week hasn't started the best.
Yes, it's been brilliant start to a Monday work and study wise, soon going to see what's new in town and spend the whole day just by myself because today's music lesson is taken care of.
But there's so many people out there, ignoring the most obvious things and delaying, stalling, lying ... It's not mine to change, I don't even want to, but it puts me in a difficult position where I can't do anything because there are people bluntly stopping me with their arrogance and selfishness, or just not replying.
*
The town is absolutely amazing, I really do love it!
The shopping center is nice and I found a bookstore. Of course I didn't come out empty handed, found myself 4 books. Might even have a look again on Thursday because they have all my favourite books on sale there. Bronte, Camus, Coelho, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky etc. Classics!
Twins are not at their best, still. Trying to play up just for the sake of it, because attention, that's why.
And I can understand why they are doing this. I just can't really understand why does everything take half an hour longer than it should. And dread to think what'll happen when they're older.
Gosh, I'm exhausted. Lucky me, only starting again at 5 pm.
Yes, it's been brilliant start to a Monday work and study wise, soon going to see what's new in town and spend the whole day just by myself because today's music lesson is taken care of.
But there's so many people out there, ignoring the most obvious things and delaying, stalling, lying ... It's not mine to change, I don't even want to, but it puts me in a difficult position where I can't do anything because there are people bluntly stopping me with their arrogance and selfishness, or just not replying.
*
The town is absolutely amazing, I really do love it!
The shopping center is nice and I found a bookstore. Of course I didn't come out empty handed, found myself 4 books. Might even have a look again on Thursday because they have all my favourite books on sale there. Bronte, Camus, Coelho, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky etc. Classics!
Twins are not at their best, still. Trying to play up just for the sake of it, because attention, that's why.
And I can understand why they are doing this. I just can't really understand why does everything take half an hour longer than it should. And dread to think what'll happen when they're older.
Gosh, I'm exhausted. Lucky me, only starting again at 5 pm.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Once you start, you have to finish
I know there's a few people out there, saying there's no such thing as have to. You know what? I have to disappoint you, there is. Sometimes there really are things you have to do.
I guess it's a good time to wish happy this, already started year. We'll meet at the end. At least with the people who somehow manage to stick around.
The start has been lazy, even though full of studies and more or less disturbing images. Child protection, nannying, laws and job ads, talking to quite a few families, good news about my TA cert that should turn up next week, still no idea where my first aid is, available voluntary TA job for the time I'm away from home(let's hope I'll get it now), all those tiny things. My brain is a bit dead, I accidentally missed a job interview but it's all good, so did the mum.
This sofa is not the comfiest but I already have a great idea what to do! I only need some more bright yellow yarn. Will start as soon as I've finished drawing, my scarf and Dex's gloves. Which reminds me - I need to pack some more stuff!
Yes, I'm going away for quite some time. Coming back for weekends. Yes, I'm a sad puppy. But chocolate and wine are good company.
The new mum is French, you all know how I love French. But I have to say, it's a lot better than some other situations would be. At least the food is more European, views and parenting ways are so much more familiar and acceptable, and oh, I so forgot! they have two cats!
As for now, dark chocolate and red wine taste good, I can't promise I finish the wine but I might do with the chocolate.
I guess it's a good time to wish happy this, already started year. We'll meet at the end. At least with the people who somehow manage to stick around.
The start has been lazy, even though full of studies and more or less disturbing images. Child protection, nannying, laws and job ads, talking to quite a few families, good news about my TA cert that should turn up next week, still no idea where my first aid is, available voluntary TA job for the time I'm away from home(let's hope I'll get it now), all those tiny things. My brain is a bit dead, I accidentally missed a job interview but it's all good, so did the mum.
This sofa is not the comfiest but I already have a great idea what to do! I only need some more bright yellow yarn. Will start as soon as I've finished drawing, my scarf and Dex's gloves. Which reminds me - I need to pack some more stuff!
Yes, I'm going away for quite some time. Coming back for weekends. Yes, I'm a sad puppy. But chocolate and wine are good company.
The new mum is French, you all know how I love French. But I have to say, it's a lot better than some other situations would be. At least the food is more European, views and parenting ways are so much more familiar and acceptable, and oh, I so forgot! they have two cats!
As for now, dark chocolate and red wine taste good, I can't promise I finish the wine but I might do with the chocolate.
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Lemon tree
I'm sitting here, in a boring room,
It's just another rainy Sunday afternoon ...
Well, it's not. Afternoon, I mean. And I'm not bored as such but more like troubled, interrupted. Thinking about all the 'nice sophisticated things' to say even though I can't think of any.
I found myself reading away on three most important topics for me at the moment - citizenship, (nanny) qualifications and politics/law. I think it's a well known public secret by now that I'm looking forward to change my citizenship. Most of the people know that I work towards getting any sort of degree in EY. And even though I seem to find people back at home who can't understand how this could possibly be a career, it really is. You study, you educate yourself, you work, gain experience, get somewhat good in your field, find that you actually know what you're talking about instead of just winging it. And guess what! It's becoming more and more restricted and qualification oriented.
I come here often to just complain about things. As I did now. I came here because I had a nice self-pity moment, spiced up with a bit of panic and self resentment. Don't worry, it's temporary, mostly occurring because of the topics I read on the things going on in that E a s t e r n - European country that I used to love so much or because I can't have everything right now. I wouldn't whine if I could have all the certs turning up tomorrow...
It was just the other morning(I've had a few of them lately, you know the ones, too many hours awake, too many thoughts and just the general lack of sleep kind of mornings). I was talking to a guy who was really interested in everything revolving around my language, country, traditions etc. He said he'd love to visit the country and experience all the awesome things we were talking about. It was so nice to see that he was so interested and eager to learn new things but it was rather heartbreaking to think what'd expect them when they do go there. And the feeling won't go away. Hostility, creed, jealousy, the most Estonian way to greet people ... I'm dreading the visit right before Christmas as I know there's quite a few people who wouldn't accept 'foreigners'(but this is a completely different topic, I'll get there one day).
I have never been this ashamed to say who I am, where I'm from. I don't want to talk about my profession back home as I'm made to feel like nobody there. 'It's not a real job', 'you just play the whole day long', 'ah, it's a child, it doesn't need much!' Yes, you get this attitude here as well but to be brutally honest, even on my worst days, the attitude here is not even comparable.
Yes, you do get racists here. But you're not beaten up only because you speak a different language or you have different skin colour. You get all sorts of narrow minded people in this country but at the same time, the attitude is different. You know the word tolerant? It's actually a thing. And it doesn't break my heart every time I talk about this country.
And when it comes to the politics and laws ... I don't even want to go there. Ruling parties fighting like pre-schoolers, over a paper that has one line on it and won't make any difference at all.
Todays song:
But nothing ever happens,
And I wonder ...
It's just another rainy Sunday afternoon ...
Well, it's not. Afternoon, I mean. And I'm not bored as such but more like troubled, interrupted. Thinking about all the 'nice sophisticated things' to say even though I can't think of any.
I found myself reading away on three most important topics for me at the moment - citizenship, (nanny) qualifications and politics/law. I think it's a well known public secret by now that I'm looking forward to change my citizenship. Most of the people know that I work towards getting any sort of degree in EY. And even though I seem to find people back at home who can't understand how this could possibly be a career, it really is. You study, you educate yourself, you work, gain experience, get somewhat good in your field, find that you actually know what you're talking about instead of just winging it. And guess what! It's becoming more and more restricted and qualification oriented.
I come here often to just complain about things. As I did now. I came here because I had a nice self-pity moment, spiced up with a bit of panic and self resentment. Don't worry, it's temporary, mostly occurring because of the topics I read on the things going on in that E a s t e r n - European country that I used to love so much or because I can't have everything right now. I wouldn't whine if I could have all the certs turning up tomorrow...
It was just the other morning(I've had a few of them lately, you know the ones, too many hours awake, too many thoughts and just the general lack of sleep kind of mornings). I was talking to a guy who was really interested in everything revolving around my language, country, traditions etc. He said he'd love to visit the country and experience all the awesome things we were talking about. It was so nice to see that he was so interested and eager to learn new things but it was rather heartbreaking to think what'd expect them when they do go there. And the feeling won't go away. Hostility, creed, jealousy, the most Estonian way to greet people ... I'm dreading the visit right before Christmas as I know there's quite a few people who wouldn't accept 'foreigners'(but this is a completely different topic, I'll get there one day).
I have never been this ashamed to say who I am, where I'm from. I don't want to talk about my profession back home as I'm made to feel like nobody there. 'It's not a real job', 'you just play the whole day long', 'ah, it's a child, it doesn't need much!' Yes, you get this attitude here as well but to be brutally honest, even on my worst days, the attitude here is not even comparable.
Yes, you do get racists here. But you're not beaten up only because you speak a different language or you have different skin colour. You get all sorts of narrow minded people in this country but at the same time, the attitude is different. You know the word tolerant? It's actually a thing. And it doesn't break my heart every time I talk about this country.
And when it comes to the politics and laws ... I don't even want to go there. Ruling parties fighting like pre-schoolers, over a paper that has one line on it and won't make any difference at all.
Todays song:
But nothing ever happens,
And I wonder ...
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